Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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