When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
