He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
