My Higher Power is John Stamos
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.