For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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