Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
