apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize