I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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