I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
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Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
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Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.