youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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