I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
