Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
