dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
