The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
