First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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