things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
