i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
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weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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