Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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