just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
