she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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