You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I need a burrito and a hug.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
