i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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