I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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