I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Sacagawea was the original milf.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
