how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
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I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My ATM looks so different sober.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
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The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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