FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
