If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.