I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!