I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.