Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
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I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
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Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.