Dude my mom stole all your condoms
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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