I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And then the night went full on bisexual.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize