I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
