when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
