If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
