can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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