I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes