im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot