Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
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Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.