What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How does it feel to date your dad?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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