Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
