Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize