he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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