I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
