I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
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while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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