Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
