she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
