Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
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I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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