i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night