If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
