I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
