She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize