Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
